Comparisons is the new addiction ?

Comparisons

Hello, and welcome to What’s in the Middle. 

Today I want to talk about comparisons.

I have never been one to be envious of others, however I have always found great inspiration in others. Growing up, my family was surrounded by the wealth of our cousins, aunties and uncles yet we were the poor family who just about managed to sustain a roof over head. 

Our mother would work in her little closet sewing 10 pence dresses to keep us financially afloat.

But, despite the hardship, we managed to survive. 

My aunties would buy trendy clothes and expensive toys for our cousins and we were fortunately gifted their hand me downs. But the fact it was good fortune was something we had to learn, at the time it didn’t feel great.

It made me feel very unsure of where we belonged. 

I posed my concerns to my mother, expressing my hurt and disappointment in others, feeling as if we’d never be the chosen ones like my cousins, who seemingly had everything they wanted.

To be honest, as a child I often wished I was like them—wealthy, eating well, living in a large house and laughing. 

However my amazing mother always had the perfect reply.

She would say; "its okay baby at least they’re still thinking of you. 

Hopefully one day you’ll be well off in life and buy yourself what you want.

But for now always be gracious for what ever you are given and rise above. 

Most importantly, never compare.

You’re thinking of their life, you make your own life". 

I never understood the depth of the statement at the time as I was too young, but they certainly had had a profound affect on my outlook as I truly did stop comparing myself to my cousins, and others as a whole.

Meditating really helped me in overcoming such comparisons while also making me aware of the real harm comparisons do when left unchecked.

Comparing yourself to the lives of others can become an obsession which only leads to pain, striving for others’ goals and, ultimately, forgetting who you really are. 

Envy Returns 

Let’s jump forward 10 years. 

At that point a lot had changed and as I was working hard her words had begun to fade from my mind. Nevertheless I was following my passions and attempting to remain authentic. 

Back then, I had a best friend who was extremely wealthy. 

 Her family were rich, she was rich and she had an amazing job at one of the top banks in England working as a stock broker. 

We came from totally different worlds but we connected and she quickly became my best friend. I looked up to her, admired her and learnt a lot from her. 

But that’s when I remembered my mothers words, and quickly stopped myself from comparing my life to hers. This really helped our relationship.

It allowed me to enjoy, value and learn from her strengths and successes without them becoming detrimental to my way of life. 

This helped me, once again, to focus in on my own traits and use them to transform my life into a better one. And by finding strength, not envy, in my close, successful friend bettering my life seemed possible.

In other words, instead of competing with her, my mother’s words reminded me to compete with myself, while looking to those around me for inspiration. 

Envy, jealousy and comparing myself to others were completely out of my mind. 

This was a great feeling; feeling I could do anything I desire.

 And that’s exactly when I found what’s in the middle, or actually what’s on the top. 

Social Media 

Jumping forward another 10 years, I started to realize I was somehow falling back into that familiar trap.

But what bought this on? 

Social media. 

I have never been much of a social media person, and as most of my clients come about through referrals I have never needed to be.

However due to the COVID pandemic, I had no choice but to jump on this platform.

But, as with discovering any new world, a slew of problems and concerns washed over me. 

My philosophy has always been, ‘if you have it then flaunt it’ but Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, these are a whole new level. 

I started following people in my profession and it wasn’t too long until I got consumed by the beautiful pictures, posts and the seemingly ideal lives they were living. 

I had once again been roped into comparing myself to others. I would find myself looking at others great work and stunning pictures and then turning my gaze back to my own work and self and, guess what, I started to feel I couldn’t measure up.

Even feeling that I looked fat and unfit—in short it knocked my confidence. 

But, I couldn't let that nagging envy win. 

Once again I took to meditation, and took a step back, reminding myself that just because I do not conform to the standards or methods of others it does not mean I should get out of the industry. 

To this point I had worked and educated myself in the field for over 15 years.

I reminded myself of my strengths, my passion, my hard work and my outstanding qualities. 

I had to take a good, long look in the mirror to once again spot the shining star I had become. 

And spotting this, my confidence returned, and the future seemed bright once again.

I realized that I have a ton to be happy about. 

It’s certainly OK to admire others’ online posts, feel inspired by them, learn from them but it’s so valuable, at least for me, to remember my mother’s words to remind you that “you’re thinking of their life, you make your own life". 

Rising Above 

It’s also your responsibility to rise above and become aware when your feelings start to rumble and you start obsess over others achievements.

 Take control. Feel inspired, not hurt.

 For this you can practice self-care. Its not easy confronting some of your darker feelings, but being aware is the first step to success which will give you the power to move forward, take action, and approach a better life. 

It’s also important to be proactive. 

There will always be someone who seems prettier, more talented, intelligent, bubbly or outgoing. The trick is knowing the value of what you, and only you, bring to the table. 

To do this you need to get busy focusing on perfecting your own craft and get inspired. 

We are all capable of obtaining a mindset to push ourselves forward.

We are in control. 

Some of the great advocates of this from around the world are Oprah Winfrey, Tony Robbins, Dalai Lama, Cat Meffan, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and the list goes on. They are who they are because of what’s inside of them. 

Be sure to use what’s inside of you and embark on this journey to self betterment. 

You can stop worrying about how ‘lucky’ everyone else because they were born into money, born with good looks, born lucky or born talented. As, ultimately, life isn’t fair, but you can play it in your favor. So take control of what you can and accept others may be lucky, but with your best efforts you can make your own luck, and my mother’s advice is fundamental for obtaining that growth mind set.  

Being of Service 

For me, one of the best ways to consider all these things is to meditate, meditate, meditate. Which helps me to refresh myself so I can be gracious of others and also be of service to them.

And this last point is hugely important as being service to others really does bring some personal value. Years ago when I was moving countries, falling into relationships and blah blah, I had totally forgotten that being of service to others really did bring me joy. 

But remembering that has helped me move forwards. I have now started fundraising and offering virtual fitness, meditation and yoga classes. 

And I took the first step in creating a Facebook fundraiser. It has already been a week and no body has contributed or asked for classes, but I am not giving up hope.

Instead I’m looking to change my marketing tactics to keep offering the services that I know are valuable—most importantly because it brings me joy.

Wrapping Up 

Focus on improving yourself first.

 Do not worry if progress is slow.

In my meditation teachings we are taught one step at a time, you do not need to begin by seeing the top of the stair case but if you take one step at a time you will certainly reach the top.

But, after all, it’s not about the destination but the experience you are having whilst taking this journey. Be sure to focus on your own accomplishments not the accomplishments of others.

Reflect on what YOU have accomplished. 

Of course, sometimes the feelings resurface and we become obsessed with the image of others but at that point it’s important that we remember our own strengths and values.

Oh boy, even writing this fills me with excitement and a weight feels like it’s lifting.

 A good place to start is if you have a goal in mind, think what you need to gain to get there.

Whether they be skills, finances or social relations, think of what you need.

Then put your energies towards obtaining that goal, no matter how distant it may be.

And if you’re stuck, there are endless free/reduced courses to help you open up more doors.

If there are any takeaways from this talk today it’s TRY, TRY, TRY—don’t give up. 

Don’t let anyone destroy your positive mindset. 

It’s your mindset not theirs don’t give them that power.  

Be happy for them in their successes, not resentful or jealous, and through that you can find some value and inspiration in the achievements of others. 

Then take this inspiration and use it to work on your own strengths, which in turn will help you reach your goals. And, of course, throughout this all breathe, meditate and give yourself time and space to think and reflect—it’s really so powerful. 

Do the work, be gracious, be kind, be inspired and, most importantly, be yourself. 

If you want to give meditation a go, watch my meditation practice video below and let’s get started on this path to a better life!

Focus on the positive